N.O.Gaffes

Spare the vodka, spoil the child

2009-09-16T23:24:00.001-05:00

According to a police report in the news today, Anna F. Krantz, 53, Kenner, was booked Saturday with aggravated battery and simple battery after her daughters, 25 and 27, emptied a bottle of her prized vodka into the bathroom sink and then locked themselves in a bedroom.

Krantz was obviously intoxicated at the onset, but this act fueled her further into a drunken rage, as she pried her way into the bedroom with the use of a butter knife. To add insult to injury, or vice-versa: "In the process of opening the door, she stabbed one of her daughters in the hip, causing a small laceration and bruise. ... The daughter had been leaning against the door so her mother could not gain entrance." In the process, daughter number two, six weeks pregnant, was elbowed in the stomach several times, which incited vomiting.

This is the version of the story told to police, though Krantz insists that these details aren't even close, but she declined to be more specific as to what she believes happened.

"Krantz was released from Jefferson Parish Correctional Center Monday after posting a $5,500 bond."

Damn, there goes this weekend's drinking money!

Goofballs steal gumball machine and coins

2009-09-16T23:23:00.001-05:00

I've said this before, but it's worth repeating: Criminals is stupid. Here's further proof:

"A Kenner man apparently used the knowledge he gained from working for a Kenner businesswoman to break into her home through a doggie door and steal a gumball machine and coin-filled glass jar."

The dumb criminal is this story is Seth J. Gregerson, 21, who was booked with simple burglary. Ryan Thomas, 21, is his alleged accomplice. I'm sure he can be I.D.'d for certain, as the break-in was captured on surveillance video inside the home.

Okay, breaking into the home through the doggie door, that I can understand. In many ways, this can prove to be the most vulnerable point of entry in any home. Although I imagine it would be a hell of a struggle to squeeze through there, especially if you run into the family dog halfway. Anyway, the burglar is inside the house, and the first thing he grabs is a gumball machine from the den! What a weirdo! The second thing he grabs is a glass jar filled with $400 worth of coins from a bedroom closet! What a HUGE weirdo! And then he exits the same way he came in -- through the doggie door! The only thing that could make this burglary even stupider would be if Gregerson revealed that he only stole the jar of coins so he could release the gum from the gumball machine. Also, considering what $400 worth of coins, not to mention a bellyful of gumballs, must weigh, I'm not surprised these guys were apprehended so quickly.

"Gregerson was released from the Jefferson Parish Correctional Center in lieu of $20,000 bail. When reached Monday by phone, he did not deny any of the information in the police report. "I took my lick," he said. He did not explain the statement."

I think I know where he's going with that statement: he's subtly admitting that he did get one of those gumballs out of the machine, but was apprehended so quickly that he only got to take that one inaugural lick.

Revealing affair from 15 years ago backfires on Pearl River man

2009-09-11T19:00:00.002-05:00

Having an extramarital affair often has a way of destroying a marriage. Especially if it took place fifteen years ago, and the husband, for whatever reason, decides to wait until now to bring it up.

Connie Davis, Pearl River, didn't take the delayed news of her husband's affair too lightly, and so, after a brief argument, she "pulled out a gun loaded with bird shot and fired five times at her husband, hitting him twice, as he ran across the yard of their home." We know she means business, because the particular gun she used is a model known as "The Judge", and he ruled in favor of the plaintiff.

The St. Tammany Sheriff's Office, however, ruled in favor of the defendent, who had been "hit in the upper and lower back by two blasts before escaping." He ran away so fast that he didn't have time to grab his cell phone, "so he called into his workplace using a two-way radio and told co-workers that his wife was trying to kill him," and his "co-workers relayed the message to the Sheriff's Office." It doesn't sound like the guy's co-workers required a lot of convincing on the matter.

This guy might want to consider himself lucky. The last time I recall an extramarital affair getting this out of control, the wife sliced her husband's penis off and threw into a field. The fact that he got it re-attached and was later able to parlay the incident into a successful porn career is really detrimental to the trauma involved.

Mrs. Davis was booked on second-degree murder charges and is being held in lieu of $75,000 bail. Sheriff's Office spokesman George Bonnett sums up the reasoning behind the charge: "Pretty much any time you point a loaded gun at someone and pull the trigger, it's going to be attempted murder." Okay, well, you're the spokesman making a glaringly obvious statement, I guess you know what you're talking about!

For anyone who thinks Mrs. Davis is overreacting to the fact that her husband's affair was fifteen years ago, might I remind you of the Erich Segal novel, "Man, Woman, and Child"? The main character had a one-time affair years earlier as well, but it came back to haunt him when the woman died and there was no other living relative for the son he didn't know existed to turn to. Oh, yeah! If this story is updated to reveal the sudden arrival of a fifteen-year old on the Davis' doorstep, I won't be surprised. I'll still be laughing like hell, but I won't be surprised!

Criminals Is Dumb

2009-09-05T14:37:00.001-05:00

While visiting relatives in Bayou Gauche, a 16-year-old Harahan boy allegedly burglarized 11 vehicles in the area. One of the items he stole from a vehicle was a handgun, "which he fired before leaving the scene of one of the burglaries." Said St. Charles Parish Sheriff's Office spokesman Capt. Pat Yoes: "We had received a call about a gunshot, but didn't find anything until we got a shell casing the next day."

Gee... maybe if this idiot teenager hadn't fired the handgun, he might have gotten away with the burglaries, which, apparently, unlike the gunshot, went unreported. If you'd like to make things even easier for police next time, kid, here's a tip: Wear a name tag and a t-shirt with an arrow pointing up that reads "I'm With Stupid."

Waltzing Matilda

2009-09-05T14:36:00.003-05:00

Yet another story in today's paper regarding a suspect making a brief escape. This time it was Ron Tastet, guilty of cocaine possession, who escaped from a courtroom while waiting to be sentenced. Well, of course, the Times-Picayune reporter who wrote the story dressed it up a little, to help the typical plot stand out a bit more:

"A Covington man who pleaded guilty to cocaine possession man waltzed out of his sentencing hearing in the St. Tammany Parish courthouse Thursday night and was caught by deputies early Friday, authorities said."

Waltzed! Maybe it's just me, but that description seems more appropriate a for a novel on the Best Seller's list than in an otherwise run-of-the-mill news story. An especially odd word choice when the story further acknowledges that "Nobody noticed Tastet had gone until his case came back up at about 6:30 p.m." I don't know, you'd think somebody would have noticed the guy's departure if he was waltzing his way out of the courtroom!

By 2 a.m., Tastet was back in police custody, having been found in the most obvious hiding place -- his girlfriend's house. I'm guessing one reason it didn't take very long to find him is because the waltz is a traditionally slow dance. Tastet should have done the twist or the electric boogaloo -- he might have gotten further away from the police who were after him!

NAACP exploits toddlers to protest results of "C-Murder" trial

2009-08-27T19:23:00.007-05:00

Caption from Nola.com: "3-year-old Kalik Miller, center and 2-year-old Micah Wilkerson, left hold up supporting signs on the steps of the Louisiana Supreme Court building as the president of the Louisiana NAACP Ernest Johnson holds a press conference in New Orleans' French Quarter, Thursday, August 26, 2009. The purpose of the press conference was to discuss the letter sent to the court, asking it to intervene in the Cory "C-Murder" Miller case."

Does anyone else see the inherent flaw within this photo?

I don't care what position you hold regarding Corey "C-Murder" Miller, the results of his murder trial, or race relations in general. Frankly, I think the hoopla surrounding this event is way overblown and not worthy of anyone's time or interest. But I also find it rather appalling that the people in this photo (who I presume to be the parents, please don't lash at me for making an ill-conceived judgment call) would enlist the aid of a two- and three-year old to champion this cause. That's a hell of an early age to engage in false idol worship for actors, athletes and rap performers, if you want my personal opinion. I have a two-year old, and the only celebrities she "worships" are Elmo and Big Bird, still not old enough to appreciate Daddy's musical interests. So I find it a bit far-fetched to believe that these two little kids are hardcore "C-Murder" fans who are outraged by the results of his murder trial. And I honestly find it equally appalling that the parents would engage in this cause, when they rightfully should be participating in more worthwhile activities with their children than worrying about the fate of "C-Murder". My general attitude toward celebrity culture is: why should I worry about their hardships, if they're obviously unaware and unconcerned about mine?

But the bottom line is that these parents aren't doing the favors for their children that they think they are. Most three-year olds don't have a concept of what words like "Constitution" and "fundamental" mean. Notice, by the way, that I corrected the spelling of "fundamental", instead of typing it the way it appears on the sign held by the three-year old, a glaring enough error to make this photo look even more sad than it needs to be. Worse, is the two-year old standing alone in the background looking like a pint-sized version of Norma Rae. "Stand Up" is right, as in "Stand up and educate your children so they can have a better future, instead of centering their lives around celebrity culture and allowing them to go nowhere in life."

Kenner man arrested for waving things that should have stayed in his pockets

2009-08-25T21:18:00.002-05:00

According to an extraordinary police report today, Richard Ezell of Kenner was arrested after he waved an open pocketknife and then exposed himself to neighbors after they accused his nephews of burglarizing a shed.

I'm quite certain that's not the way I would have reacted to that situation, especially considering the fact that I don't own a pocketknife!

Anyway, it was after the police were called to the scene that Ezell handed the knife over to his nephew. He then continued to yell at his neighbors and finally pulled his penis from his pants and began waving that at them. As a bonus amusement, neighbors videotaped all of Ezell's actions, which should make for startling evidence at the eventual trial!

Some people might question Ezell's sanity in this situation, but not me. Note that he had the good sense to hand over then knife BEFORE whipping out his penis and waving it around. That's damn good judgment, not something you would expect from a guy you suspect of fishing off the short end of the pier. Had Ezell been seriously crazy, the combined act of waving a pocketknife and a penis at the same time would surely have resulted in a bloody stump where a penis once sprung, if not making Ezell a surefire candidate for this year's Darwin Awards. But the man lives, his penis hangs mighty, and Ezell now takes residence at the Jefferson Parish Correctional Center in Gretna.

It's enough to put a smile on the end of one's penis.

How Not to Meet Women II

2009-08-22T22:52:00.000-05:00

Today's case study: Victor Cortez, 23, Mandeville.

It's certainly innocent enough to sit in a strategic location in a public place and scope out the women as they pass by. For Cortez, that location was a white pickup in the parking lot at Mandeville Marketplace. Okay, I'll grant him that -- it's a long, hot summer, nothing wrong with letting a guy keep himself air-conditioned while he scopes out those babes.

Clearly, it's a lot hotter in Mandeville this time of year than most of us might have suspected. Definitely hot enough for Cortez to see fit to remove his pants. An attractive woman walked past Cortez's truck, so he immediately exposed himself to her and began masturbating. She obviously was not impressed, for she immediately called the police.

When police officers searched Cortez's truck, they found a number of objects that didn't impress them very much, either: "hand lotion, hair gel, a towel and a black pot holder that he had used while masturbating." To put that another way: check... check... check... say what?! A pot holder?? Maybe Cortez knows something the rest of us guys don't. I'm thinking a fellow might get a stronger grip using an oven mitt, but Cortez clearly fancies the old-fashioned pot holder. Oh, and the police also found a DVD player and a copy of the movie "American Pie"? Holy cow! I've never seen that one, so maybe it's more erotic than I would be aware, although I was under the impression that the movie was about the antics of teenagers. I realize Cortez is only a mere lad of 23, but come on, dude! Pick a sexier movie, for crying out loud! If your plan is to lure passing ladies into your pick-up truck, at least have the courtesy to play a movie they might like to see. One of those Jane Austen adaptations, or some shit like that.

Ultimately, Cortez was booked on an obscenity charge, though he really should get a charge of "too dumb to attract woman" added as a misdemeanor.

All Hail the Louisiana Film Museum!

2009-08-17T20:08:00.003-05:00

There was a brief article at Nola.com today, written by the Associated Press, that alerted local citizens to the soon-to-open Louisiana Film Museum. A brief yet clumsy article, in that it reads: "A movie buff from New Orleans with a large collection of film memorabilia -- including posters and photographs -- is putting his collection on display. .. The so-called Louisiana Film Museum opens Sept. 1 and will occupy a section of the Southern Food and Beverage Museum at the Riverwalk in New Orleans."

A "movie buff"? Really? Whoever put the article together couldn't bother to identify the individual by name? And what's the deal with preceding the museum's name with "so-called"? I assume the purpose of the article was to be informative, but it reads more as a mockery. Which is a crying shame because the Louisiana Film Museum sounds like it might be the first great addition to the city in a long time.

Fortunately, the "movie buff" in question identified himself within the Comments section at Nola.com, and ultimately provided more insight into the museum than the AP could:

"My name is Jeff Guice and I'm the executive director of the Louisiana Film Museum. The "so-called" Museum is indeed a labor of love. We opened now with 50 pieces of the collection because we wanted to start sharing it with people who might be interested in the larger collection. While we add pieces to the collection everyday, the larger 275 piece collection will be on display in the new gallery, scheduled for opening on December 1st. Our collection includes pieces from almost all of the old original movies, and pretty movies shot in the last ten years. Please visit our web site for more background."

Click the link to the article, and you'll notice that Guice's post was twice as informative as the article itself. He even made a return post to share some of the behind-the-scenes details of the article:

"As the executive director of the "so-called" Louisiana Film Museum, I actually spent over an hour with the A-P writer discussing the entire collection and current plans for growth into a 1000+ square foot space, but it looks like most of the article was left on the floor of the editing room. And the A-P photographer arrived in the afternoon for a one hour session that covered all of the great movies - only to show a picture of Brad Pitt that was two years old in the article."

The museum sounds like an exciting idea, but clearly the puff writers were only willing to call attention to it using a photo of future non-mayor Brad Pitt. Who's the inglorious basterd now? Sacrilege, considering how many better movies were filmed in or around Louisiana.

Here are some highlights I'd love to see at the Louisiana Film Museum, with information on specific filming locations:

. Captain America (Peter Fonda) and Billy (Dennis Hopper) arrive on their choppers in time to see the Mardi Gras in "Easy Rider".

. Vivien Leigh steps off the Desire streetcar line in "A Streetcar Named Desire".

. James Bond's (Roger Moore) motorboat chase along the bayous in "Live and Let Die".

. the various locations where the original Not Ready for Prime Time Players were situated when "Saturday Night Live" performed their ill-fated Mardi Gras special in 1977.

There's a great many film titles listed on the museum's page that I'm unfamiliar with, but there's enough recognizable titles to make the Louisiana Film Museum the greatest tourist stop that could ever exist in New Orleans.

Sheep for sale

2009-08-13T23:38:00.000-05:00

A brief blurb by the Associated Press announced today that there is an excess municipal sheep population in the Village of Parks in St. Martin Parish.

No, it's not out of control wildlife on the loose. The sheep are actually employed by the community to "keep the grass trimmed under the Parks water tower and around the wastewater treatment pond." Seriously. For twenty years, the sheep population belonged to the village's late public works superintendent Bobby Champagne, whose widow sold them to the village following his death two years ago.

I'm not sure what length of time constitutes a generation in sheep years, but there have obviously been quite a few since the herd is now so overgrown that the village is attempting to auction off fifteen of the sheep. Bids are being accepted through Friday. I might be interested, but, um... uh... are bids being accepted with no questions asked, or, um... uh... you know, will we be expected to explain just exactly what, uh... huh-huh... you know, what we want with the sheep?

As amusing as all that is, the best part has gotta be the final line of the blurb: "As of Wednesday, there had been no bids." Quite a shocker, I know! Maybe if the village throws in a free block of cornbread or a wedge of potato with every winning bid, they might get a few bites!

Later, Gator!

2009-08-12T23:29:00.000-05:00

Here's an odd entry on the ol' police blotter, reported online by the Times-Picayune:

Sheriff's deputies were greeted by an unusual sight last late Friday when they spotted Terron D. Ingram "riding his bike down Goodchildren Street in Boutte with a 3-foot-long gator draped over his neck. ... Ingram dropped the reptile and his bike and ran off, but was apprehended a few blocks away."

I have to wonder how much of this incident was premeditated by Ingram. His actions seem to suggest that he expected to be approached by police that day, and hoped to use the alligator to keep his distance.

Think that's a crazy theory? Well, take a look at the charges he as booked with: "cruelty to animals by abandonment, resisting arrest and possession of drug paraphernalia." Aha! Drugs! That probably would have been his only charge if he had left the alligator out of the equation.

I have another dumb theory: maybe he was so high on drugs that he thought he was just taking home some raunchy chick he picked up in a bar!

How Not to Meet Women

2009-08-11T20:03:00.004-05:00

Today's case study: Shannon House, 36, Picayune, Mississippi.

Unable to meet eligible women where he lives, Mr. House made the trek across state lines to Slidell, Louisiana, where he chose the Wal-Mart on Natchez Drive as a prime target area. No doubt this is one of the more elegant Wal-Marts in all of Louisiana, for the women who shop here have a tendancy to wear dresses while they shop, a far cry, naturally, from the extra-large stretch pants frequently worn by the women shopping at Wal-Mart in Metairie and Kenner.

Anyway, Mr. House discovered three different women at the Slidell Wal-Mart with whom he found attractive. During these pursuits, he followed each woman throughout the store, then "tried to take a picture up her dress as she bent over." The first woman was aware of his interest in her, but didn't reciprocate those feelings, and thus contacted the store's loss prevention officer and alerted police to his actions.

Mr. House later admitted to police that what he did "was stupid and I should not have done it." For his efforts, he was booked into St. Tammany Parish Jail and awarded three counts of video voyeurism with the possibility of being forced to register as a sex offender once he's released.

Better luck next time, Mr. House. For future reference, you might want to make the extended drive and try the two-story Target in Metairie, where you might be able to get away with faking a fainting spell while riding behind an attractive woman on the escalator.

You thought the sculptures on Veterans Blvd. were an eyesore....

2009-07-30T23:56:00.002-05:00

An update (such as it were) on the story of the car that crashed through the Whitney parking garage and landed upside-down on the roof of an adjacent law firm.

First of all, reporters have attached names to the couple who took the plunge over the parking garage: Mohamed Amine Arfaoui and his wife Ekaterina Voloshina. Arfaoui was previously employed as a valet (!) at the garage. Voloshina is simply listed as an "exchange student". Arfaoui contends that he crashed through the concrete barrier accidentally, when he stepped on the accelerator and was unable to hit the brake in time to prevent the fall.

Now let's get to the millionaire-dollar question: What in the hell were they doing on top that parking garage in the first place? Well, first, think about what you might be doing up there at that time of the night. Do you have an answer in your head? Well, this couple was up there doing the exact opposite of anything you came up with. They were up there, as they had been for several nights, to gain the use of free wireless Internet service for their laptop computer, courtesy of the LaQuinta Inn. It wasn't stated in the article, but I suspect this wasn't part of a prior arrangement they had with the hotel. I also suspect that technically constitutes stealing, but that issue didn't come up in the article, either. If it matters, they used the wireless Internet service they weren't paying for to send messages to their family in Russia. I guess they didn't pay their monthly bill on the shoephone, either.

Keep in mind that the couple's original story was that they didn't know what happened, which sounds more believable than this business about pilfering free Internet (okay, so that story's believable, too, but it's so much dumber than simply being clueless). Overall, I'd sooner believe the driver accidentally kicked the car into gear while engaged in a lewd sex act, but I guess I can understand one's embarassment in relating such a story. After all, very few men want complete strangers to know that the woman they're hosing is the same woman with whom they're married; reputations get ruined by such information these days. Either way, be it free internet or lewd sex, you're right behind the damn hotel -- GET A ROOM!!

One last detail: Stephen Barry, a lawyer at the neighboring law firm said the "insurance companies involved were trying to decide which one will pay the nearly $30,000 it would cost for a crane to pluck" the car off of their roof. For crying out loud, charge it to Arfaoui's insurance company, assuming he has insurance. Otherwise, this might be a good chance to finally stick it to the Russians!

I Know What These Teenagers Did This Summer

2009-07-30T23:34:00.013-05:00

13 teenagers were arrested in St. John the Baptist Parish in connection with a rash of 70 car burglaries, netting thousands of dollars in stolen goods which consisted of "electronics, such as GPS systems, cell phones, video cameras, as well as watches, binoculars, credit cards and handguns." The suspicion is that the teenagers, purportedly working in smaller groups independent of one another, staked out unlocked vehicles parked in driveways and stole whatever items were left lying within.

For those of you who like to keep score, here's the list of teenagers who were arrested:

. Chavez Jackson, 18, LaPlace
. Chad Wilson, 17, LaPlace
. Corky Henderson Jr., 18, LaPlace
. Joseph Triggs, 19, LaPlace
. Joshua Johnson, 18, LaPlace
. Anthony McKinnis, 18, Kenner
. Kyle Vicknair, 18, LaPlace
. Kayce Fruchtnicht, 17, LaPlace
. Katelyn Degruy, 17, Montz
. a girl, 15, River Ridge
. 3 boys, 15, LaPlace

Unfortunately, in the case of those last couple of entries, they don't release the names of juvenile suspects. Does the fact that they're underage alleviate the serious of the crime they committed? Personally, I don't think so.

Hey, but you know who is willing to come to their defense? Nola.com poster kaylaf123. Check out this comment she left on the board:

"I can't speak for all of the kids but I can speak for one.
A. None of you people who are leaving comments on here are perfect. Yes, what they did was wrong, but everyone makes mistakes.
B. Yall don't know the whole damn story, so until you do. keep your comments to yourself.
C. mind ya own damn buisness If yall have kids,I can PROMISE you they aren't perfect.And unless you know the mothers personally,don't make any more comments."

Not the world's greatest spelling and grammer, but you get the gist. Let's break that down:

kaylaf123: "None of you people who are leaving comments on here are perfect. Yes, what they did was wrong, but everyone makes mistakes."

13 teenagers, 70 car burglaries. Okay, I'll grant them one mistake each. That leaves 57 more car burglaries, averaged out to 4 (not counting the original mistake) per teenager. I may not be perfect, but I can guarantee I'm not as IMperfect as those numbers suggest.

kaylaf123: "Yall don't know the whole damn story, so until you do. keep your comments to yourself."

They were arrested in connection with a series of thefts. If they did it, I think that's story enough to cast judgment. If they didn't, then how did they get arrested for it? Even more unusual, the posters who keep insisting that the rest of us don't know the "whole story" refuse to provide such details, which leaves only the information provided by the newspaper to form an opinion from.

kaylaf123: "mind ya own damn buisness If yall have kids,I can PROMISE you they aren't perfect.And unless you know the mothers personally,don't make any more comments."

No, my kids aren't perfect, but nor have they burglarized any cars lately. Of course, they're not 15 yet, either, so I guess there's still plenty of time. Just keep your kids away from my vehicle, okay? Anybody lays a hand on my Pink Floyd or Led Zeppelin CDs, they'd better hope they stole a handgun from a previous vehicle if I catch up with them!

Our lot's full; Why don't you try next door?

2009-07-28T20:13:00.018-05:00

It's long been established that most people drive like maniacs on the streets and highways around New Orleans, but now it's getting to the point where it's not even safe to lower your guard while several floors above street level.

That's the LaQuinta Hotel on Camp Street in the background (with the bright yellow paint job). The three men in the picture are standing at the top of the Whitney parking garage on Gravier Street, from which the upside-down red Volkswagen Passat fell four flights down after crashing through the cinder block retainer wall Monday night around 9 p.m. The building on which the car landed is the Barry & Piccione law firm next door to Whitney, whose members I'm sure are none too pleased to have at least one of their air-conditioning units knocked out of commission due to this bizarre accident. I smell an impending lawsuit!

Here's a bird's-eye view satellite image of the rooftops. This photo comes from sometime in the past, so don't let the scattered few parked cars confuse you in regards to this blog entry's title. Anyway, I'm joking. I would never steer a confused driver in the downward direction of someone else's air-conditioning unit.

So far, no explanation has been given as to how the couple in the car managed to crash through the wall of the parking garage. One thing's for sure, though: it ought to be good!

Incidentally, I love that they've covered the busted part of the wall with what is likely a wobbly iron barricade, which those three men are now leaning over (should be safe; it's the cinder block wall that isn't sturdy) in order to get a look at the wreckage down below. That's all we need is to have this story updated with reports of people falling off the roof and landing on their heads just for the sake of stealing a glimpse at the accident. Come on, folks, that's why we have the internet, so you don't have to leave the safety of your homes to see cool things.

Good luck getting that car down, by the way. You know what I bet would have been a great help? If we had cranes in the sky, like a certain someone once promised.

Straining for Humor

2009-07-25T21:16:00.005-05:00

Here's a headline from today's Nola.com board that garnered an immediate perverse reaction from me:

" Strain: Eat local Louisiana food "

Yeah, that's usually what happens whenever I do eat local Louisiana food -- especially when there's Cayenne pepper involved!

*rimshot*

Alright, alright... that's my joke. Kind of cheap, but what the hell.

Naturally, the use of the word "Strain" in this headline does not refer to the verb whose definitions include: "To pull, draw, or stretch tight", "To stretch or exert one's muscles or nerves to the utmost", or "To pass (gravy, for example) through a filtering agent such as a strainer". Rather, "Strain" refers to Mike Strain, Louisiana's agriculture secretary.

Well, that certainly makes the headline read a lot less disgusting than originally processed.

Anyway, the point of the blurb concerns Strain's challenge for Louisiana residents, including Gov. Bobby Jindal, to spend National Farmers Market Week, August 2nd-8th, eating only food that is grown or produced locally within Louisiana. Strain cites as examples: "peaches from Ruston, watermelons from Franklinton, blueberries from the Felicianas, crawfish from the Atchafalaya and pork and beef from local meat markets."

Not a bad idea, but does it count if I cancel my dinner reservation at The Buffet at Harrah's in New Orleans and dine instead at the Treasure Island Buffet in Kenner?

Dude! You're getting a cell!

2009-07-25T21:14:00.003-05:00

Continuing news from the tragicomedy that is the Nagin administration at City Hall:

"Despite trying for more than a year, aides to Mayor Ray Nagin have been unable to determine whether City Hall paid any money to Dell Inc., or received any equipment from the computer giant as the result of an improperly generated purchase order signed by former technology chief Anthony Jones."

Oops!

Jones claims that he issued the $119,027 purchase order "sometime in late 2005 or 2006" so that computers destroyed during Hurricane Katrina could be replaced. That purchase order, by the way, was issued on city stationery, so suggesting that electronic records of the purchase were accidentally deleted on those computers is an excuse that's not going to fly. The city has no records of the purchase, and -- surprise, surprise -- neither does Dell.

Jones was fired on July 18th for the infraction, in conjunction with filing false invoices to hide the escalating costs of the faulty crime camera program. The way things are going with the Nagin administration, the city might as well throw Jones in jail. All that's left is to hire Slacker Steve, the former Dell dude, to deliver a singing telegram to Jones: "Dude, you're getting a cell!"

Many thanks to hoppaloppa, tsand, Deny777, and any other home-commentators on the Nola.com board who enjoyed that joke. My Hewlett-Packard PC, on the other hand, is not amused.

Helicopter makes emergency landing on Interstate 12

2009-07-21T18:39:00.001-05:00

Karl Beier leads the adventurous life: he lives in Slidell but commutes to his office in Belle Chasse in his own private helicopter. Cool! It's gotta be better than twiddling one's thumbs while puttering alone the interstate down below.

Uh-oh! Looks like we spoke too soon. Beier's routine commute hit an unexpected snag Sunday afternoon, when, just moments after his departure from the Slidell airport, the helicopter's engine conked out. With mere seconds to prepare for a crash landing, Beier made the decision to turn Interstate 12 into a makeshift runway.

According to the Times-Picayune, Beir "focused on a westbound pickup truck as a moving target in the heavy traffic on the highway and followed after it. Keeping pace with the truck, Beier tried to squeeze his helicopter in between the truck and the 1999 Chevrolet van following closely behind it.

Beier managed to fit the nose of his helicopter in just behind the truck, which he said sped off and showed no signs of even noticing his approach. The tail end of his helicopter, however, scraped along the top of the van before hitting the pavement, doing only superficial damage to both vehicles."

Gee, only minor damage, then? Oh well, it's still a pretty cool story. Driving on the interstate can become dull after a while, when the only sights to see are speeders and tailgaters. Having a helicopter make an impromptu landing every now and then would really spice up the ol' drive home after work. Especially on the North Shore!

Tubthumping with Bill Gates in the Gulf of Mexico

2009-07-15T21:49:00.005-05:00

It's been a quiet hurricane season so far, but Microsoft guru Bill Gates wants to do one better by destroying hurricanes in the Gulf of Mexico before they reach the mainland.

Gates and other scientists and engineers have a patent pending for "giant ocean-going tubs that fight hurricanes by draining warm water from the surface to the depths, through a long tube. A second tube could simultaneously suck cool water from the depths to the surface." The operation, in Gates' mind, is simple: the vessels "would collect water through waves breaking over the walls of the tub. Some variations have the water moving through turbines on their way down, which would in turn generate electricity to suck up the cooler water."

Check out the accompanying illustrated diagram that makes the idea look like it could be something real:

Apparently, the tub would operate as a sort of toilet, with pressure causing the warm water to rush down one turbine as cold water spits out of the other. Somehow, this will lower the temperature of the Gulf water, which, in turn, would weaken the hurricane as it approaches. Looks like a pipe dream to me -- literally. Of course, it's probably irrelevant whether or not this idea would actually work -- if it's Bill Gates' brainchild, then I'm sure it will be shoved down our throats one way or another. Think of the Microsoft Office products, which don't even work on my computer because you have to pay for their full use after the 90-day trial. Why bother pre-installing it on my computer if I don't get full use of it from Day One? I'm sure Gates' tubs will work fine during the trial run, but once it's time to cough up the dough by late August, watch our elected state officials pass the ball around and then start pointing fingers after the hurricane strikes.

Gates and his crew don't have the patent on this idea yet, but, if that does fall through, they have a few other back-up plans in the works:

. Dropping two tons of bagged ice from hurricane hunter helicopters.

. Lining up giant fans along Grand Isle to "blow" the hurricane back in the direction from which it came.

. Propping up a giant cardboard box with a tree. When the winds blow the tree out of the way, the box will fall over the hurricane and trap it.

. Hiring Superman to reverse the rotation of the Earth.

. Offering Ray Nagin as a human sacrifice to the hurricane gods.

Even if the original idea isn't feasible, I hope Gates will build at least one of those tubs anyway, as I'd like to have one installed in my back yard to relax in next summer as I beat the heat. Cold water, obviously, but make sure to also rig it to pump in hot water for the winter months. And have Melinda deliver it, since you appear to be too busy working on geeky tech ideas to romance her properly with such a device.

Has Nagin Lost His Census?

2009-07-11T14:25:00.006-05:00

Mayor Ray Nagin, so far removed from reality that he can taste sunbeams and rainbows in his imported Perrier, has urged pre-Katrina New Orleans residents, who have relocated elsewhere yet may long to return to their roots, to commit a federal fraud by listing “New Orleans as their home when the U.S. Census Bureau conducts its decennial head count next spring.” The results of these census figures will determine how $300 billion in federal grants will be distributed across the country.

As Nagin’s spokesman, James Ross, explains: “A low population count would mean the loss of millions of dollars needed to provide critical services, such as those for children, education and the elderly.” Therefore, tweaking the numbers in Nagin’s – er, the city’s – favor could mean more money in the budget for Nagin – er, the city.

Personally, if I was going to lie about my residency, I’d want people to think I lived somewhere with more reputable management than New Orleans currently has to offer. How about Hawaii? Or Napa Valley? Yeah, that's the ticket. Why, sure, I’d invite you to take a look at the mansion I’m building in the vineyards of California, but, uh, it’s not finished yet. Yeah, it’s, uh, it’s too hot for the workers to work, so I gave them the summer off, sent them on vacation to my time-share in Tahiti. Yeah, I’d take you to see it, but the workers are already moved in and I’d hate to disturb them during their vacation. Yeah, that’s it. Some other time, perhaps. Remind me to bring up the subject again at a later date. Hey, look up there! Is that Superman? Gotta run, bye!

Of course, if Ray Nagin were an honest man, I’d have to wonder what residency he would list for himself. I guess Dallas is a possibility. Or maybe simply listing “Jet Plane” would be more appropriate. Hell, considering his constant globe-trotting and that recent Swine Flu scare, “Airbourne” might about sum up his place in the world, too.

Typocrapical error

2009-07-10T20:41:00.006-05:00

The Times-Pickayune [ intentional; no letters, please! ] makes a lot of typos in their online news stories, and no doubt this one will have been corrected before anyone reading this can follow the link. So just trust me, alright? Here's a recap:

“A man injured when he fell off an apartment balcony in Chalmette died Friday. ... The balcony had no railing. ... Detectives are still investigating but have found no sign of fall play.”

Yes, you read that correctly, just as I cut-and-paste it from the original article. “Fall” play. I assume the reporter meant to write “foul” play, although that still doesn't make sense. A balcony with no railing, and no one can find a sign of foul play? Really? To even suggest that detectives have found no sign of “fall” play is equally astonishing. I mean, the balcony has no railing -- how the hell can you NOT expect someone to fall?!

For the record, detectives noted there were also no chickens or horses near the scene of the accident, and thus have ruled out both “fowl” play and “foal” play. Yuk yuk yuk!

Chalmette sobriety checkpoint too much for impaired driver

2009-07-10T20:39:00.008-05:00

It's Friday night, and, as we all know, that's when the idiots come out. Tonight, it's Patrick O'Neill, 41, who decided to make an ass of himself at a sobriety checkpoint in Chalmette. How come? For starters, he wasn't sober.

As the Times-Picayune reports, prior to his arrival at the checkpoint, “O'Neill had already downed a beer and two pain pills, and was holding a daiquiri when he drove up.” When a deputy attempted to confiscate the daiquiri, O'Neill, obviously not the share and share alike type, sped off toward his home at 100 MPH, trying to run over another deputy in the process. The deputies caught up with O'Neill a mile later, at his trailer home.

O'Neill is being charged with “attempted murder of an officer, driving while impaired, aggravated flight, possession of cocaine, battery on an officer and traffic complaints.”

Please, oh please, St. Bernard Parish Sheriff's Office, submit the dashboard-cam footage to “Country Fried Home Videos” so this turkey can win Bill Engvall's “Here's Your Sign” award!

A Peek Inside Dollar Bill's Freezer

2009-07-09T07:24:00.010-05:00

The Times-Picayune released photos of Bill Jefferson's freezer.

By now, we've heard all the jokes about Jefferson's “cold cash” and “frozen assets”. Yeah, yeah -- I guess the little light goes off when he shuts his eyes, too, right? With evidence like this, you could say that Jefferson just got burned -- freezer-burned, that is!

Alright, that's enough. It doesn't seem possible that Jefferson can weasel his way out of this one, no matter what “honorable explanation” he tries to offer. Given this evidence, I've got one idea for a line of defense Jefferson might want to manipulate in his favor:

Correct me if my history is wrong, but didn't Jefferson stash all this cash in his freezer prior to Hurricane Katrina? And wasn't Sav-a-Center a major player in the local supermarket game up until that point, as well? If so, Jefferson might want to plead as his defense that he saved up a lot of Pillsbury coupons from his Sunday edition of the Times-Picayune, then used them during one of Sav-a-Center's Triple Coupon weeks. Time it right, and a savvy shopper could save so much money on Pillsbury products that Sav-a-Center would owe THEM money! Ol' Dollar Bill was so proud of his achievement that he kept his savings in the freezer right next to the smorgasbord of frozen Pillsbury products bestowed to him for shopping at Sav-a-Center. Feed the jury that “honorable explanation”, Bill, along with a slice of pie, and you'll have them literally eating out of your hands!

Of course, this might open Jefferson up to a whole other trial -- vs. Sav-a-Center for coupon fraud, and possibly for having single-handedly put them out of business in New Orleans. I guess it's a lose-lose situation no matter what defense you pull. Well, hopefully Mrs. Jefferson will be allowed to keep the perishable contents of your freezer. Sometime in the near future, perhaps she can bake that pie and smuggle a chisel inside and bring it to you on Visiting Day. Hey, it almost worked in St. Tammany Parish!

New Orleans Residents Stare at TV Screen

2009-07-07T19:43:00.008-05:00

The Times-Picayune posted quite a provocative photo on their online blog today: four adults and a small child staring at the Michael Jackson memorial service on a TV screen. That's it, just staring. Frozen in disbelief. Coming to grips with a cold reality they never thought they'd see.

Did anyone go to work today, or was I the only one? I'm only now, this evening, getting around to analyzing this media circus so I can make a couple of crass jokes about it. I can only imagine that those thousands of people holding up their prized invites like Wonka golden tickets were mainly interested in attending the memorial so they could scmooze a few autographs off of the bloated celebrity guest list. What's Brooke Shield's John Hancock worth these days, by the way?

I'm interested in the kid in this picture, the one holding the “Read to Achieve” poster. I think he's trying to make a plea for the grown-ups in the photo to turn off the TV and partake of something a little more stimulating, like reading a good book (ah-ah, “US Weekly” doesn't count!). Of course, these people are in an electronics store, so the kid's pleas may be falling on deaf ears.

Oh well, gotta go. Time to catch the exciting post-game memorial coverage on EVERY channel! *swoon!*

Fish kills found in Jefferson Parish canals

2009-07-03T00:27:00.014-05:00

I hate fishing. At least, I find that it's a boring, meaningless waste of time, time that could be better spent watching old movies or new porno. If I want to spend all day surrounded by water, holding onto a pole waiting for something to happen, I'll do a few strokes in the bathtub like any other good American. Even if I did catch something, I'd still have to figure out a way to cook it without having to consult the cheat-sheet on the back of a box from Mrs. Paul.

I'm rambling needlessly, but I'm rambling on dry, indoor land. My point in all this is to acknowledge that St. Bernard Parish will host this year's Oh Boy! Oberto ESPN Redfish Cup Tournament, from July 31 to Aug. 2 at the Gulf Outlet Marina off Paris Road in Chalmette. Oh boy, indeed!

According to the blurb in today's newspaper: “There are five stops on the Cup circuit. Fifty-four teams of some of the nation's best professional anglers will compete for the $50,000 first-place prize during the St. Bernard Parish stop", and “the event will feature a “Tailgate Party” festival each day with local food, live music, children's activities, exhibits, sports related promotional items and the live weigh-in each day at 3 p.m. Returning again this year is the popular “Splash Dog” competition where dogs compete for the longest jump.”

Wow! Who knew fishing could be even less exciting than golf?

The blurb is accompanied by this photo of Phil Broussard, who netted this big boy at last year's tournament at Breton Sound Marina. That's nothing, Phil -- you should see the one I pulled out of the West Esplanade canal yesterday afternoon!

Which segues us into a semi-related story, and, quite frankly, the full intent of this post, as I really wanted to ramble about the fish seen in the above photo. As much as I hate fishing, even I have to admit that catching these particular fish was a delightful experience. It helps that they didn't put up much of a struggle! As a matter of fact, it was as easy as picking strawberries (the hard part is outrunning the guy in charge of the stand).

Yes, these fish are dead, but damn if they still didn't have a lot of fight left in them. The cause of death? Surprisingly, these fish were not the victims of the gunfire that typically claims the lives of so many citizens around town. No, this was the result of the massive heatwave we've had lately.

As the accompanying article explains: “Brought on by drought-tempering rains, the mass deaths are common during hot summers, said Jeff Dauzat, an environmental scientist with the state Department of Environmental Quality. Hot weather warms the still canal water, depleting oxygen at the bottom. When a heavy rain strikes, the oxygen-less water rushes toward the surface, where most fish dwell. Without oxygen in the water, the fish suffocate.”

Considering that the canals along West Esplanade are filled with debris such as coffee cups and plastic wraps, I can't imagine these fish stood much of a chance in the first place. They must have thought the canals were cleaner than the lake, and certainly not as many poles around.

So, if you hate fishing as much as I do but want to remain open-minded about the experience, saunter along the West Esplanade canal line and pick as many of these critters as you can carry. Sure they stink to high heaven, but then so do the back alleys along Bourbon Street.

Peanuts! Popcorn! Voter registration cards?

2009-07-02T17:23:00.009-05:00

In a desperate move to get more people to show up at the polls come election time, “the Jefferson Parish registrar of voters will staff a table before and during” the New Orleans Zephyrs 6 p.m. game against the Iowa Cubs this Saturday. Personally, I'd prefer it if they just brought back Bat Night, but whatever.

"Among the services available are new voting registration, changing addresses and party affiliation and information about upcoming elections."

Ooooohhhh! Maybe it's just an excuse for a fangirl on the registrar of voters to get Brett Hayes' autograph! Well, anyway, I'm sure it's all for a good cause, and the good news is that it'll be the shortest line at the concession stand!

Hey batter, batter, batter -- vote!

Man nabbed for eating, then skipping the tab

2009-06-30T20:06:00.006-05:00

Michael Bryant, 36, of Tucson, Arizona, has been making the rounds in Jefferson Parish as a man who not only stiffs on the tip at area restaurants, but stiffs on the bill as well.

On June 22nd, Bryant pulled the stunt at Melancon's Annex in Metairie, when he ordered a lunch plate and a series of beers, then began to fall asleep at the table. “When the owner asked him to pay his $23 check and leave, Bryant allegedly laughed and told the owner he didn't have any money because he was homeless. When the owner threatened to call the police, Bryant again laughed and refused to pay.”

Bryant repeated the ruse at Pitre's Restaurant in Westwego on Thursday, then again at Sun Ray Grill near Gretna on Monday, where he “ordered four margaritas with his cheeseburger for a total of $30.99 and then tried to sneak out of the business.”

Bryant has been held at the Jefferson Parish Correctional Center in Gretna for each offense, but has been released twice due to prison overcrowding. The Jefferson Parish Sheriff's Office advised Bryant that if he would like to eat his meals for free, he should do the honorable thing and join the Jefferson Parish Police Department.

Michael Jackson second-line set to roll Sunday afternoon

2009-06-28T09:48:00.005-05:00

While the death of Michael Jackson is technically not a local story, it has managed to have a tremendous effect throughout the metro area. Rather surprising, considering that Jackson had been operating on a has-been level for almost twice as long as he was a legitimate pop talent. David Spade was right, when, on an early 90's episode of “Saturday Night Live”, he said, “It's called peaked with “Thriller” -- get over it!” I mean, he had some good songs and was certainly a product of the music video generation, but he spent the last quarter-century being more infamous than famous. I don't see how anyone could possibly think otherwise? In my mind, he wasn't bigger than The Beatles or The Rolling Stones or Pink Floyd or even Frank Sinatra, if you want to want measure career longetivity, sound experimentation, and album output per year. About the main advantage I can see that Jackson had over any of those guys was that people seemed to enjoy watching him grab his crotch in his videos. Hey, why not? That's what's kept Madonna's career alive well past its expiration date.

Anyway, The Revolution Social Aid & Pleasure Club is an organizing a second-line down St. Bernard Ave. in Jackson's honor. With the heat surpassing 100 degrees the last few days, if Jackson were alive and participating in the second-line, I imagine most of his face would have melted like a snowball. I'm just glad we live in a city like New Orleans, where the people are so open-minded that even a spaced-out pedophile who dangles babies over balconies can be honored with a second-line upon their death. I'm not enough of a fan to get out in that blazing heat, but be sure to invite me to the parade we're bound to have when Roman Polanski kicks the bucket. I can sure get behind that!

Waterpark Finally Comes to New Orleans!

2009-06-24T13:32:00.009-05:00

Citizens have been clamoring for years to have a water theme park built in the New Orleans area, and today their prayers were answered at last with the massive installation of a single chute waterslide atop the Superdome.

The multi-purpose arena has tackled many uses over the years -- hosting Super Bowls, concerts, and conventions, as well as serving as a shelter of last resort during hurricane season -- so it comes as no surprise that the mighty Superdome can now add Water Park as one of its claims to fame.

Despite having been open for business all morning, the new waterslide has yet to find anyone willing to take the inaugural plunge down the side of the Superdome. When asked if they planned to ride the waterslide on this especially hot summer's day, most residents said they thought it only respectful to let their honorable Mayor Ray Nagin (if he can be located) take that first plunge.

Mad Science

2009-06-23T01:05:00.014-05:00

From the Times-Picayune's "Around NewOrleans" gallery:

“Dejah Whitley, 6, takes part in a demonstration of centrifugal force during the Mad Science program at the Westbank Regional Library in Harvey Monday, June 22, 2009. The program, which explains basic scientific principles, was led by “Dr.” Kaylee Lowery.”

Will someone please explain what's going on with this gal's outfit. I think it's safe to assume the lab coat is a prop, but what's going on underneath there? Should I chalk this up to expected Westbank attire, a wardrobe malfunction, or will the centrifugal force demonstration also include a burlesque performance complete with tassles? I mean, don't get me wrong, I could stare at this photo all day, but I haven't seen exposure this blatant since Carol Burnett seduced Albert Finney in “Annie”. Yowza!

Prison escapee hid in trailer before being run off by owners

2009-06-23T00:43:00.011-05:00

Four inmates serving time for various murder or attempted murder charges, escaped from the St. Tammany Parish jail last Thursday night. Three of the escapees soldiered on, leaving an injured Timothy Wayne Murray behind after he cut himself on razor wire. Ironically, the trio were captured soon after, while Murray remained at large. Within days, a lone footprint put deputies on Murray's trail. By Sunday morning, he was captured and back in police custody.

That's all innocent enough, so to speak, but you're probably here in search of the humor behind the “largest manhunt in St. Tammany Parish history."

Well, for starters, Murray spent Saturday night in a trailer he broke into earlier in the evening. Then, “after taking time to gorge himself on peanut butter cups and water, shower and shave off his distinctive facial hair, Murray found himself on the business end of a .38-caliber handgun wielded by the property's owner.” Although he brandished a weapon of his own -- a steak knife -- Murray quickly fled the scene. I like to think he ran away from the trailer screaming, “Don't shoot! I thought this was my cousin's trailer! My bad!”

Hours later, Murray was finally captured by police (the peanut butter cups must have slowed him down) "hiding in a wood pile near Bennett Bridge Road outside of Covington.” When the police emerged from the woods with Murray, the apprehended escapee's face was covered with blood, purportedly from a struggle with deputies and a K-9 unit. Either that, or he was maliciously attacked by the deputies. Luckily, Murray has a sleazy defense lawyer who's going to get to the bottom (literally) of that for him. Save Murray!

By the way, looking at the before and after photos, it's fair to say that Murray looks better without the facial hair, and I suspect it won't be long before the single ladies in the area request him for their very special prison pen pal. Really, it's not like the competition is all that fierce these days.

It's ten o'clock. Do you know where your peanut butter cups are?

Orleans Parish courts closed because of lack of air conditioning

2009-06-22T21:28:00.012-05:00

Walt Pierce, public information officer for Orleans Parish Civil District Court, announced that, due to a lack of air conditioning, the following Orleans Parish courts were closed for today: Orleans Parish Civil District Court, First City Court, the clerk of First City Court, Civil Division of the Clerk's Office and the Civil Sheriff.

With all those lawyers' mouthes running non-stop each day, I can see why the courts would insist on having air conditioning to expel all that hot air.

“Your Honor, it's hot. May we have court outside today?”

Tulane to offer degree in disaster management

2009-06-22T21:16:00.009-05:00

Inspired by the wrath and destruction of Hurricane Katrina upon New Orleans four years ago, Tulane University plans to set a trend in higher education next Spring when they “launch a degree-granting program in which government officials and other leaders can learn to take charge when disaster strikes and pick up the pieces after the emergency.”

Yes! And not a moment too soon, either, since, as I mentioned, that disaster occurred four years ago and the stumbling-block Mayor currently running the city is only a few short months away from retirement.

Just to prove they're serious about this program, the prestigious southern university has given it a name and web presence: the Disaster Management Leadership Academy. If the academy's proposed classes are as exciting as the web site, the janitors are going to have their work cut out for them scraping all of the drool off the desks each night.

According to Nancy Mock, an associate professor of public health and tropical medicine, “the academy isn't meant for first responders, but for higher-level people in mid-career who want to move into upper management.”

Does this mean our local, incompetent elected officials will be required to take this course? Somehow, I doubt it. Besides, even if most of them did enroll, you just know they would look at it as a blow-off course and skip out to go play hackeysack on the quad.

Beating with gold lame boot brings five-year term

2009-06-21T09:19:00.013-05:00

This has to be the story newspaper reporters dream about. On the other hand, the details are so vivid and over the top that it's unlikely anyone's imagination could be this creative.

It more or less starts off normal enough, with a bar fight in the French Quarter. Under ordinary circumstances, even by New Orleans' standards, that would hardly be a newsworthy event. No, the participants involved would have to add a little spice to these familiar ingredients.

Okay, so let's kick things up a notch: the fight took place in the middle of the night outside the Double Play bar on Dauphine Street, last October. Unless you're a regular, you might not be aware that this is a gay bar frequented by drag queens. Now you're interested! The perpetrator of this crime is Walter Black, 41, who went all Bruce Lee on one of the bar's patrons by beating him with his $10 high-heeled gold lame boot. Oh, yeah!

Now, dig this: Once handcuffed by police, “Black lifted his red dress and began to urinate in the direction of Police Officer Brandon Ludwig.” Looks like this dog's marking his territory for later. Stop by if you're ever in the neighborhood, Officer, and don't forget the handcuffs! Once transported to the 8th District police station, Black peed again, this time on the station floor. He must have been marking his territory there, too, in anticipation of a return visit, for he has quite an unusual collection of prior offenses, including robbery, “extorting some $10,000 from a priest he was having sex with and blackmailing”, “soliciting prostitution, lewd conduct and loitering.” This guy gets around in more ways than one!

Black went to court for the incident last Friday, and his family was there to defend him:

“My child needs some kind of help,” said Grace Black, who said her son takes medicine for his nerves and depression. “If Walter don't take his medication, he thought people were following him.”

Well, gee, I'm sure people are following him, if he's sashaying outside the Double Play bar in those $10 gold lame boots at three a.m. in the morning. For his own protection, teach him to approach his imaginary stalkers by saying: “If you're a vice, I'll kill myself!”

Black's sister also took the stand to testify that he has a learning disability, and blamed his “lifestyle” on the influence of others “after he started to come into New Orleans.” I wouldn't touch that one with a 12-inch pole.

Of all this hilarity, my favorite quote brings us back to the exterior bar arrest. When apprehended by the police, Black announced: “You don't know who I work for. I work with the FBI and no judge can hold me.”

Can we now add “impersonating the Mayor” to his list of charges?

Wearing boots like these out in public
ought to be a crime unto itself.

Bill would prevent firing guns at parades

2009-06-17T18:59:00.009-05:00

Here's my vote for most understated headline of the day. “Bill would prevent firing guns at parades.” Okay, that sounds good. Obviously, no one wants to go to a parade where they might get shot at. I can get behind that.

Now, let's read the first paragraph in the article:

“Barring a gubernatorial veto, it will be illegal to recklessly discharge a firearm within 1,000 feet of a parade or demonstration starting Aug. 15.”

Wait, let me get this straight: firing weapons at a parade used to be a legal right? Yeah? So all those years when I couldn't get a float rider's attention, I had another option besides waving my hand around like some kind of jackass?

Okay, so that's no longer a legal option during Mardi Gras. You fire a gun, you will be arrested. No questions. So, basically, the plan is to prevent people from firing guns at parades by arresting them if they do? In other words, revelers can still bring the guns to the parades, but they'd better not think about shooting them? Is that the idea?

I don't know, maybe it's just a poorly-worded headline. But, frankly, this sounds like it boils down to nothing more than promising the threat of jail if a gun is brought to the parade route. I'd say the bill is about as effective in preventing gunfire as birth control is in preventing pregnancy.

Which, by the way, is a good idea for a follow-up bill if state legislature wants to make Mardi Gras more family-friendly.

Nagin says city paid for China trip; taxpayers to be reimbursed by unnamed "host"

2009-06-17T18:55:00.006-05:00

Well, it's bad enough that Mayor Ray Nagin is back in New Orleans following his recent “economic development trip” through China and Australia, but he has now revealed that the expenses were covered by the taxpayers. Not willingly, of course, and only now knowledgably.

Additionally, the article is littered with a few quotes from Nagin that will likely blow your mind. For example:

“ As for how much money the city spend up front, Nagin said: “I don't know.” ”

To be fair, this may be the most honest statement to ever come out of Nagin's mouth. Try not to let that semblance of a compliment go to your big bald head, Mr. Mayor.

Here's another humdinger:

“Nagin said Wednesday that his administration will provide records of payments made by the city. “If you request public records, you normally get them,” he said.”

Yes, but normally not without a fight, eh?

Finally, here's what Nagin had to say about his recent swine flu quarantine while in China:

“It wasn't the most pleasant. But the Chinese people were very professional, very courteous. They fed us, they treated us well. So I have no complaints.”

Well, naturally, Nagin seldom has any complaints regarding any situation in which someone else is picking up the tab.

Man leads police on foot, car chase through Destrehan

2009-06-16T18:53:00.017-05:00

Of all the illegal activities that occur on a daily basis in the New Orleans area, my favorite would have to be the high-speed pursuit. Perhaps I'm spoiled from watching memorable chase sequences in films like “Bullitt” and “The French Connection”, but I love it whenever some way-faring criminal is brazen enough to lead our boys on a pursuit of similar proportions.

Today, the villain was played by Cedrick Haynes, 26, who doesn't appear to have any prior credits in his portfolio. If this was indeed his debut performance, Haynes will face a great challenge exceeding our expectations for his eventual follow-up.

For the record, Haynes was “allegedly speeding down U.S. 90 in Paradis shortly before 6 p.m. when a State Police officer tried to pull him over. Haynes, who was traveling with three women in a stolen blue Dodge Caravan van, tried to outrun the trooper and was traveling at more than 90 mph on I-310. He allegedly sideswiped at least two other vehicles on the highway during the chase, before crossing the Hale Boggs bridge and turning west on River Road in Destrehan ...”

“With deputies and state troopers in pursuit, Haynes then fled north on Longview Drive, which dead-ends at the Canadian National railroad tracks. Haynes' van hit a railroad car and Haynes fled on foot over the tracks, where he stole a bicycle then asked people he encountered to drive him to New Orleans ... When they refused, he swam across a canal and tried unsuccessfully to climb a fence of an apartment complex. Deputies on foot tackled Haynes and captured him.”

“Haynes was booked with a long list of charges, including possession of marijuana and crack cocaine, as well as car theft and flight from a police officer.”

But, damn, that's a full day's work right there! I haven't seen an escape this desperate since Paul Newman fled the prison compound in “Cool Hand Luke”.

Speaking of which, the police need to lay down some rules with Haynes the next time they cross paths with him:

. Any man who fails to pull over... will spend a night in the box.

. Any man who sideswipes any other vehicles... will spend a night in the box.

. Any man who crashes into a railroad car... will spend a night in the box.

. Any man who steals a bicycle... will spend a night in the box.

. Any man who attempts to coerce strangers to aid and abet him in a getaway... will spend a night in the box.

. Any man caught swimming in a canal... will spend a night in the box.

. Any man who tries to jump the fence of an apartment complex... will spend a night in the box.

Well, no matter what, with that kind of dogged determination, he'll definitely spend time in the New Orleans Criminals Hall of Fame. May we have the envelope, please?

Man on stolen motorcycle dies in collision in Central City, police say

2009-06-16T18:41:00.005-05:00

Here's a story that allows us to put our morals to the test:

A motorcycle is reported stolen from St. Tammany Parish. A 38-year old man riding the motorcycle after midnight along Washington Avenue (in New Orleans) near the intersection of South Claiborne Avenue loses control of the motorcycle, crashes into another vehicle, and later dies.

It hasn't been established whether or not the man riding the motorcycle is the same person who stole the motorcycle, so I'll refrain from drawing that conclusion for the moment.

But here's the conundrum: who do you feel sorry for? The guy who died while riding the stolen motorcycle, or the guy whose motorcycle was stolen? I'd have to go with the true victim -- the guy who lost his motorcycle. Granted, he's still alive, and he might finally get his motorcycle back, but surely that's of little small consolation to him now that it's been wrecked.

Good thing the guy died, otherwise I bet that bike owner would have loved to have gone Evel Knievel all over his face.

Crimestoppers, law enforcement unveil latest "Most Wanted" billboard campaign

2009-06-15T20:45:00.005-05:00

I've often enjoyed seeing the billboards along the interstate advertising local talk radio giants like Garland Robinette and John “Spud” McConnell, but soon the joint efforts of Crimestoppers and local law enforcement agencies will bring some new faces onto the horizon. In an effort to reduce crime, a series of billboards to be “erected in three locations” will feature the faces of “nearly a dozen of the most wanted men in the New Orleans area.”

Get your scorecards ready, see how many of these men YOU can catch! They are:

. Tai Le, 49
. Adolfo Ibarra, 25
. Dejean Turner, 21
. Brian Fields, 21
. Joseph Delay, 37
. Long Dang, 37
. Jeremy Patterson, 25
. Alvin Tuckson, 40
. Xuan Do, 39

At least one of these lucky criminals will have his picture displayed on multiple billboards. Congratulations, you lucky devil -- whoever you may be!

If the billboard campaign is a success, I'd like to see it extended to announce the names and photos of some of the most “unwanted” men in New Orleans. Namely:

. Clarence R. Nagin, 53
. William Jefferson, 62
. Aaron Broussard, 60
. Robert Namer, unknown
. David Vitter, 48
. Eddie Price, 56
. Carlos Mencia, 41

And, for the sake of doing the old joke, here's the week's “Most Desired” person in New Orleans:

Yowza!

Deputy shoots dog while answering a complaint in Luling

2009-06-15T20:31:00.004-05:00

If a dog bites a man, that's not news.

If a man bites a dog, that is news.

If a Sheriff's deputy shoots a dog, oh boy we've hit the jackpot!

The officer, Shannon Petty of St. Charles Parish, responded to an ongoing complaint of a pit-bull mixed breed that had been terrorizing neighbors in the 400 block of Wade Street in Luling. Upon Petty's arrival at the dog owner's house, the dog ran out of a side door to attack him.

“Petty said in a report that the dog cornered him at the front door, and began biting his pants leg when he shot it in the face with his service pistol, after having trouble clearing his TASER device from its holster.”

You read that right. The officer shot the dog in the mouth with a pistol because he couldn't get his TASER out in time! Now that's too bad. Don't try to convince me that wouldn't have been the Youtube video of the year.

The dog's owner, Misty Mars, said “the shooting was excessive and unnecessary” and insists that the dog is harmless. Absolutely. Ask the owner of any pit-bull, and they'll tell you: when a dog chews and nibbles on your leg, it's an obvious sign of their great respect and affection for you. For the dog not to chew on your leg would be a grave insult and a serious faux pas.

You're right -- that's a full load of pit-bullshit.

Ya shot me!

3 teens shot at party in Gretna

2009-06-14T22:04:00.020-05:00

Lots of violence in the city this weekend. How many incidents did you witness personally? Let's hop across the Mississippi River for a minute, where we've been invited to attend a Sweet 16 party at America's Best Value Inn in Gretna. Don't mind the gunfire -- you know these kids today. Three teenagers got caught in the melee. According to the Times-Picayune's report: "One victim was struck in the back. Another was hit in the neck. A third was grazed by a bullet. ... Two victims were male and one was female." Security cameras caught the play-by-play, but as yet no suspects have been identified. The report wraps up by letting us know the following pertinent information regarding this crime:

"The hotel was built in 1978. It has 100 rooms on two floors, according to information from America's Best Value Inn."

I know I'm a cynical bastard, but, to me, that reads suspiciously like a damage-control advertisement for the hotel. It might as well just say: "Sure, you could pay top-dollar for a four-star hotel that can guarantee your safety, but in today's unstable economy that's a luxury you just can't afford. Come to America's Best Value Inn, where we have your hard-earned dollar in mind. And all rooms come with Flat Screen High Definition 27 inch TV with Cable and HBO!"

Unclothed riders pedal through Quarter to expose cyclists' problems

2009-06-13T23:21:00.005-05:00

"Unclothed"... "expose"... Did you get it? That's another one of those pun-ny headlines, courtesy of the Times-Picayune. The World Naked Bike Ride has come to New Orleans and those naked cyclists are inpenetrable! Not only are they popping wheelies, but they're popping boners as far as the one eye can see! Apparently, the nude pedalers are seeking Equal Rights for cyclists, as gleaned from a narrative by Darryl Goodwin, 40, who crashed his wheels into a flung-open car door on St. Charles Avenue. "People should be more aware of bikes in the street," he said. "Move out of the way -- (cyclists) need the right of way." Annie Jane Cotten, 26, echoed that sentiment by adding that "many people have the attitude that roads are made for cars only." Not true at all. Many of our local drivers also feel the roads are excellent places in which to toss out their garbage.

Incidentally, the day ended in tragedy, as I knocked out a fire hydrant and rolled over a sleeping bum on the sidewalk, when I lost control of my vehicle while stealing a look at this naked cyclist:

Yowza!

Orleans Politics: Nagin wants out; Plan B?; Woody Allen encounter

2009-06-13T23:15:00.002-05:00

A wee bit of confusion in this slightly misleading headline. It certainly reads like Ray Nagin might be considering resigning from his duties as Mayor (such as it were). Actually, he was just itching to get out of China, and onto Australia, after being under quarantine for swine flu earlier this week. According to Nagin: "Me and the first lady were thinking about digging an escape tunnel with some forks and knives." Personally, I'd recommend using a spoon, as it has that scoop on the end, not unlike a shovel, that comes in handy while digging a hole. A fork might prove useful if you want to till the dirt and construct a little garden in your confinement area. A very relaxing hobby, by the way, which might be just what the Mayor needs to calm his nerves. As for the knife -- well, again, considering his outbursts of the past, that's the last kitchen utensil I'd willingly place in Nagin's hand.

Thieves use forklift to steal unmarked New Orleans police cars from city lot

2009-06-13T23:04:00.000-05:00

The week may have begun on a comic high note, with Mayor Ray Nagin under swine flu quarantine in China, but this is the local story that really takes the cake. Considering the level of crime that has become customary in New Orleans during the past few years, the theft of two unmarked police cars is hardly "brazen", or even surprising, but it is damn original. The immediate visual that came to my mind was of thieves cruising down the highway in the forklift with the unmarked police cars in tow and no marked police cars in pursuit. As it turns out, they used the unmarked police cars as getaway vehicles and made temporary use of the forklift to knock down chained fence gates, which ensured an easier getaway than having to jump the cruisers over the gate Steve McQueen-style. Keep in mind that the unmarked police vehicles were stolen from an "equipment maintenance facility on Alvar Street" during off-hours. A bit of a challenge, yes, but hardly enough to qualify as "brazen" by my standards. However, had the thieves stolen a pair of police cars out of the NOPD parking lot in the middle of the afternoon, I've got a feeling we'd all be brazen enough to declare these guys modern folk heroes and grant them a reality series on Spike TV!