How Not to Meet Women II

Today's case study: Victor Cortez, 23, Mandeville.

It's certainly innocent enough to sit in a strategic location in a public place and scope out the women as they pass by. For Cortez, that location was a white pickup in the parking lot at Mandeville Marketplace. Okay, I'll grant him that -- it's a long, hot summer, nothing wrong with letting a guy keep himself air-conditioned while he scopes out those babes.

Clearly, it's a lot hotter in Mandeville this time of year than most of us might have suspected. Definitely hot enough for Cortez to see fit to remove his pants. An attractive woman walked past Cortez's truck, so he immediately exposed himself to her and began masturbating. She obviously was not impressed, for she immediately called the police.

When police officers searched Cortez's truck, they found a number of objects that didn't impress them very much, either: "hand lotion, hair gel, a towel and a black pot holder that he had used while masturbating." To put that another way: check... check... check... say what?! A pot holder?? Maybe Cortez knows something the rest of us guys don't. I'm thinking a fellow might get a stronger grip using an oven mitt, but Cortez clearly fancies the old-fashioned pot holder. Oh, and the police also found a DVD player and a copy of the movie "American Pie"? Holy cow! I've never seen that one, so maybe it's more erotic than I would be aware, although I was under the impression that the movie was about the antics of teenagers. I realize Cortez is only a mere lad of 23, but come on, dude! Pick a sexier movie, for crying out loud! If your plan is to lure passing ladies into your pick-up truck, at least have the courtesy to play a movie they might like to see. One of those Jane Austen adaptations, or some shit like that.

Ultimately, Cortez was booked on an obscenity charge, though he really should get a charge of "too dumb to attract woman" added as a misdemeanor.