Tubthumping with Bill Gates in the Gulf of Mexico

It's been a quiet hurricane season so far, but Microsoft guru Bill Gates wants to do one better by destroying hurricanes in the Gulf of Mexico before they reach the mainland.

Gates and other scientists and engineers have a patent pending for "giant ocean-going tubs that fight hurricanes by draining warm water from the surface to the depths, through a long tube. A second tube could simultaneously suck cool water from the depths to the surface." The operation, in Gates' mind, is simple: the vessels "would collect water through waves breaking over the walls of the tub. Some variations have the water moving through turbines on their way down, which would in turn generate electricity to suck up the cooler water."

Check out the accompanying illustrated diagram that makes the idea look like it could be something real:

Apparently, the tub would operate as a sort of toilet, with pressure causing the warm water to rush down one turbine as cold water spits out of the other. Somehow, this will lower the temperature of the Gulf water, which, in turn, would weaken the hurricane as it approaches. Looks like a pipe dream to me -- literally. Of course, it's probably irrelevant whether or not this idea would actually work -- if it's Bill Gates' brainchild, then I'm sure it will be shoved down our throats one way or another. Think of the Microsoft Office products, which don't even work on my computer because you have to pay for their full use after the 90-day trial. Why bother pre-installing it on my computer if I don't get full use of it from Day One? I'm sure Gates' tubs will work fine during the trial run, but once it's time to cough up the dough by late August, watch our elected state officials pass the ball around and then start pointing fingers after the hurricane strikes.

Gates and his crew don't have the patent on this idea yet, but, if that does fall through, they have a few other back-up plans in the works:

. Dropping two tons of bagged ice from hurricane hunter helicopters.

. Lining up giant fans along Grand Isle to "blow" the hurricane back in the direction from which it came.

. Propping up a giant cardboard box with a tree. When the winds blow the tree out of the way, the box will fall over the hurricane and trap it.

. Hiring Superman to reverse the rotation of the Earth.

. Offering Ray Nagin as a human sacrifice to the hurricane gods.

Even if the original idea isn't feasible, I hope Gates will build at least one of those tubs anyway, as I'd like to have one installed in my back yard to relax in next summer as I beat the heat. Cold water, obviously, but make sure to also rig it to pump in hot water for the winter months. And have Melinda deliver it, since you appear to be too busy working on geeky tech ideas to romance her properly with such a device.