Spare the vodka, spoil the child

According to a police report in the news today, Anna F. Krantz, 53, Kenner, was booked Saturday with aggravated battery and simple battery after her daughters, 25 and 27, emptied a bottle of her prized vodka into the bathroom sink and then locked themselves in a bedroom.

Krantz was obviously intoxicated at the onset, but this act fueled her further into a drunken rage, as she pried her way into the bedroom with the use of a butter knife. To add insult to injury, or vice-versa: "In the process of opening the door, she stabbed one of her daughters in the hip, causing a small laceration and bruise. ... The daughter had been leaning against the door so her mother could not gain entrance." In the process, daughter number two, six weeks pregnant, was elbowed in the stomach several times, which incited vomiting.

This is the version of the story told to police, though Krantz insists that these details aren't even close, but she declined to be more specific as to what she believes happened.

"Krantz was released from Jefferson Parish Correctional Center Monday after posting a $5,500 bond."

Damn, there goes this weekend's drinking money!

Goofballs steal gumball machine and coins

I've said this before, but it's worth repeating: Criminals is stupid. Here's further proof:

"A Kenner man apparently used the knowledge he gained from working for a Kenner businesswoman to break into her home through a doggie door and steal a gumball machine and coin-filled glass jar."

The dumb criminal is this story is Seth J. Gregerson, 21, who was booked with simple burglary. Ryan Thomas, 21, is his alleged accomplice. I'm sure he can be I.D.'d for certain, as the break-in was captured on surveillance video inside the home.

Okay, breaking into the home through the doggie door, that I can understand. In many ways, this can prove to be the most vulnerable point of entry in any home. Although I imagine it would be a hell of a struggle to squeeze through there, especially if you run into the family dog halfway. Anyway, the burglar is inside the house, and the first thing he grabs is a gumball machine from the den! What a weirdo! The second thing he grabs is a glass jar filled with $400 worth of coins from a bedroom closet! What a HUGE weirdo! And then he exits the same way he came in -- through the doggie door! The only thing that could make this burglary even stupider would be if Gregerson revealed that he only stole the jar of coins so he could release the gum from the gumball machine. Also, considering what $400 worth of coins, not to mention a bellyful of gumballs, must weigh, I'm not surprised these guys were apprehended so quickly.

"Gregerson was released from the Jefferson Parish Correctional Center in lieu of $20,000 bail. When reached Monday by phone, he did not deny any of the information in the police report. "I took my lick," he said. He did not explain the statement."

I think I know where he's going with that statement: he's subtly admitting that he did get one of those gumballs out of the machine, but was apprehended so quickly that he only got to take that one inaugural lick.

Revealing affair from 15 years ago backfires on Pearl River man

Having an extramarital affair often has a way of destroying a marriage. Especially if it took place fifteen years ago, and the husband, for whatever reason, decides to wait until now to bring it up.

Connie Davis, Pearl River, didn't take the delayed news of her husband's affair too lightly, and so, after a brief argument, she "pulled out a gun loaded with bird shot and fired five times at her husband, hitting him twice, as he ran across the yard of their home." We know she means business, because the particular gun she used is a model known as "The Judge", and he ruled in favor of the plaintiff.

The St. Tammany Sheriff's Office, however, ruled in favor of the defendent, who had been "hit in the upper and lower back by two blasts before escaping." He ran away so fast that he didn't have time to grab his cell phone, "so he called into his workplace using a two-way radio and told co-workers that his wife was trying to kill him," and his "co-workers relayed the message to the Sheriff's Office." It doesn't sound like the guy's co-workers required a lot of convincing on the matter.

This guy might want to consider himself lucky. The last time I recall an extramarital affair getting this out of control, the wife sliced her husband's penis off and threw into a field. The fact that he got it re-attached and was later able to parlay the incident into a successful porn career is really detrimental to the trauma involved.

Mrs. Davis was booked on second-degree murder charges and is being held in lieu of $75,000 bail. Sheriff's Office spokesman George Bonnett sums up the reasoning behind the charge: "Pretty much any time you point a loaded gun at someone and pull the trigger, it's going to be attempted murder." Okay, well, you're the spokesman making a glaringly obvious statement, I guess you know what you're talking about!

For anyone who thinks Mrs. Davis is overreacting to the fact that her husband's affair was fifteen years ago, might I remind you of the Erich Segal novel, "Man, Woman, and Child"? The main character had a one-time affair years earlier as well, but it came back to haunt him when the woman died and there was no other living relative for the son he didn't know existed to turn to. Oh, yeah! If this story is updated to reveal the sudden arrival of a fifteen-year old on the Davis' doorstep, I won't be surprised. I'll still be laughing like hell, but I won't be surprised!

Criminals Is Dumb

While visiting relatives in Bayou Gauche, a 16-year-old Harahan boy allegedly burglarized 11 vehicles in the area. One of the items he stole from a vehicle was a handgun, "which he fired before leaving the scene of one of the burglaries." Said St. Charles Parish Sheriff's Office spokesman Capt. Pat Yoes: "We had received a call about a gunshot, but didn't find anything until we got a shell casing the next day."

Gee... maybe if this idiot teenager hadn't fired the handgun, he might have gotten away with the burglaries, which, apparently, unlike the gunshot, went unreported. If you'd like to make things even easier for police next time, kid, here's a tip: Wear a name tag and a t-shirt with an arrow pointing up that reads "I'm With Stupid."

Waltzing Matilda

Yet another story in today's paper regarding a suspect making a brief escape. This time it was Ron Tastet, guilty of cocaine possession, who escaped from a courtroom while waiting to be sentenced. Well, of course, the Times-Picayune reporter who wrote the story dressed it up a little, to help the typical plot stand out a bit more:

"A Covington man who pleaded guilty to cocaine possession man waltzed out of his sentencing hearing in the St. Tammany Parish courthouse Thursday night and was caught by deputies early Friday, authorities said."

Waltzed! Maybe it's just me, but that description seems more appropriate a for a novel on the Best Seller's list than in an otherwise run-of-the-mill news story. An especially odd word choice when the story further acknowledges that "Nobody noticed Tastet had gone until his case came back up at about 6:30 p.m." I don't know, you'd think somebody would have noticed the guy's departure if he was waltzing his way out of the courtroom!

By 2 a.m., Tastet was back in police custody, having been found in the most obvious hiding place -- his girlfriend's house. I'm guessing one reason it didn't take very long to find him is because the waltz is a traditionally slow dance. Tastet should have done the twist or the electric boogaloo -- he might have gotten further away from the police who were after him!

NAACP exploits toddlers to protest results of "C-Murder" trial

Caption from Nola.com: "3-year-old Kalik Miller, center and 2-year-old Micah Wilkerson, left hold up supporting signs on the steps of the Louisiana Supreme Court building as the president of the Louisiana NAACP Ernest Johnson holds a press conference in New Orleans' French Quarter, Thursday, August 26, 2009. The purpose of the press conference was to discuss the letter sent to the court, asking it to intervene in the Cory "C-Murder" Miller case."

Does anyone else see the inherent flaw within this photo?

I don't care what position you hold regarding Corey "C-Murder" Miller, the results of his murder trial, or race relations in general. Frankly, I think the hoopla surrounding this event is way overblown and not worthy of anyone's time or interest. But I also find it rather appalling that the people in this photo (who I presume to be the parents, please don't lash at me for making an ill-conceived judgment call) would enlist the aid of a two- and three-year old to champion this cause. That's a hell of an early age to engage in false idol worship for actors, athletes and rap performers, if you want my personal opinion. I have a two-year old, and the only celebrities she "worships" are Elmo and Big Bird, still not old enough to appreciate Daddy's musical interests. So I find it a bit far-fetched to believe that these two little kids are hardcore "C-Murder" fans who are outraged by the results of his murder trial. And I honestly find it equally appalling that the parents would engage in this cause, when they rightfully should be participating in more worthwhile activities with their children than worrying about the fate of "C-Murder". My general attitude toward celebrity culture is: why should I worry about their hardships, if they're obviously unaware and unconcerned about mine?

But the bottom line is that these parents aren't doing the favors for their children that they think they are. Most three-year olds don't have a concept of what words like "Constitution" and "fundamental" mean. Notice, by the way, that I corrected the spelling of "fundamental", instead of typing it the way it appears on the sign held by the three-year old, a glaring enough error to make this photo look even more sad than it needs to be. Worse, is the two-year old standing alone in the background looking like a pint-sized version of Norma Rae. "Stand Up" is right, as in "Stand up and educate your children so they can have a better future, instead of centering their lives around celebrity culture and allowing them to go nowhere in life."

Kenner man arrested for waving things that should have stayed in his pockets

According to an extraordinary police report today, Richard Ezell of Kenner was arrested after he waved an open pocketknife and then exposed himself to neighbors after they accused his nephews of burglarizing a shed.

I'm quite certain that's not the way I would have reacted to that situation, especially considering the fact that I don't own a pocketknife!

Anyway, it was after the police were called to the scene that Ezell handed the knife over to his nephew. He then continued to yell at his neighbors and finally pulled his penis from his pants and began waving that at them. As a bonus amusement, neighbors videotaped all of Ezell's actions, which should make for startling evidence at the eventual trial!

Some people might question Ezell's sanity in this situation, but not me. Note that he had the good sense to hand over then knife BEFORE whipping out his penis and waving it around. That's damn good judgment, not something you would expect from a guy you suspect of fishing off the short end of the pier. Had Ezell been seriously crazy, the combined act of waving a pocketknife and a penis at the same time would surely have resulted in a bloody stump where a penis once sprung, if not making Ezell a surefire candidate for this year's Darwin Awards. But the man lives, his penis hangs mighty, and Ezell now takes residence at the Jefferson Parish Correctional Center in Gretna.

It's enough to put a smile on the end of one's penis.

How Not to Meet Women II

Today's case study: Victor Cortez, 23, Mandeville.

It's certainly innocent enough to sit in a strategic location in a public place and scope out the women as they pass by. For Cortez, that location was a white pickup in the parking lot at Mandeville Marketplace. Okay, I'll grant him that -- it's a long, hot summer, nothing wrong with letting a guy keep himself air-conditioned while he scopes out those babes.

Clearly, it's a lot hotter in Mandeville this time of year than most of us might have suspected. Definitely hot enough for Cortez to see fit to remove his pants. An attractive woman walked past Cortez's truck, so he immediately exposed himself to her and began masturbating. She obviously was not impressed, for she immediately called the police.

When police officers searched Cortez's truck, they found a number of objects that didn't impress them very much, either: "hand lotion, hair gel, a towel and a black pot holder that he had used while masturbating." To put that another way: check... check... check... say what?! A pot holder?? Maybe Cortez knows something the rest of us guys don't. I'm thinking a fellow might get a stronger grip using an oven mitt, but Cortez clearly fancies the old-fashioned pot holder. Oh, and the police also found a DVD player and a copy of the movie "American Pie"? Holy cow! I've never seen that one, so maybe it's more erotic than I would be aware, although I was under the impression that the movie was about the antics of teenagers. I realize Cortez is only a mere lad of 23, but come on, dude! Pick a sexier movie, for crying out loud! If your plan is to lure passing ladies into your pick-up truck, at least have the courtesy to play a movie they might like to see. One of those Jane Austen adaptations, or some shit like that.

Ultimately, Cortez was booked on an obscenity charge, though he really should get a charge of "too dumb to attract woman" added as a misdemeanor.

All Hail the Louisiana Film Museum!

There was a brief article at Nola.com today, written by the Associated Press, that alerted local citizens to the soon-to-open Louisiana Film Museum. A brief yet clumsy article, in that it reads: "A movie buff from New Orleans with a large collection of film memorabilia -- including posters and photographs -- is putting his collection on display. .. The so-called Louisiana Film Museum opens Sept. 1 and will occupy a section of the Southern Food and Beverage Museum at the Riverwalk in New Orleans."

A "movie buff"? Really? Whoever put the article together couldn't bother to identify the individual by name? And what's the deal with preceding the museum's name with "so-called"? I assume the purpose of the article was to be informative, but it reads more as a mockery. Which is a crying shame because the Louisiana Film Museum sounds like it might be the first great addition to the city in a long time.

Fortunately, the "movie buff" in question identified himself within the Comments section at Nola.com, and ultimately provided more insight into the museum than the AP could:

"My name is Jeff Guice and I'm the executive director of the Louisiana Film Museum. The "so-called" Museum is indeed a labor of love. We opened now with 50 pieces of the collection because we wanted to start sharing it with people who might be interested in the larger collection. While we add pieces to the collection everyday, the larger 275 piece collection will be on display in the new gallery, scheduled for opening on December 1st. Our collection includes pieces from almost all of the old original movies, and pretty movies shot in the last ten years. Please visit our web site for more background."

Click the link to the article, and you'll notice that Guice's post was twice as informative as the article itself. He even made a return post to share some of the behind-the-scenes details of the article:

"As the executive director of the "so-called" Louisiana Film Museum, I actually spent over an hour with the A-P writer discussing the entire collection and current plans for growth into a 1000+ square foot space, but it looks like most of the article was left on the floor of the editing room. And the A-P photographer arrived in the afternoon for a one hour session that covered all of the great movies - only to show a picture of Brad Pitt that was two years old in the article."

The museum sounds like an exciting idea, but clearly the puff writers were only willing to call attention to it using a photo of future non-mayor Brad Pitt. Who's the inglorious basterd now? Sacrilege, considering how many better movies were filmed in or around Louisiana.

Here are some highlights I'd love to see at the Louisiana Film Museum, with information on specific filming locations:

. Captain America (Peter Fonda) and Billy (Dennis Hopper) arrive on their choppers in time to see the Mardi Gras in "Easy Rider".

. Vivien Leigh steps off the Desire streetcar line in "A Streetcar Named Desire".

. James Bond's (Roger Moore) motorboat chase along the bayous in "Live and Let Die".

. the various locations where the original Not Ready for Prime Time Players were situated when "Saturday Night Live" performed their ill-fated Mardi Gras special in 1977.

There's a great many film titles listed on the museum's page that I'm unfamiliar with, but there's enough recognizable titles to make the Louisiana Film Museum the greatest tourist stop that could ever exist in New Orleans.

Sheep for sale

A brief blurb by the Associated Press announced today that there is an excess municipal sheep population in the Village of Parks in St. Martin Parish.

No, it's not out of control wildlife on the loose. The sheep are actually employed by the community to "keep the grass trimmed under the Parks water tower and around the wastewater treatment pond." Seriously. For twenty years, the sheep population belonged to the village's late public works superintendent Bobby Champagne, whose widow sold them to the village following his death two years ago.

I'm not sure what length of time constitutes a generation in sheep years, but there have obviously been quite a few since the herd is now so overgrown that the village is attempting to auction off fifteen of the sheep. Bids are being accepted through Friday. I might be interested, but, um... uh... are bids being accepted with no questions asked, or, um... uh... you know, will we be expected to explain just exactly what, uh... huh-huh... you know, what we want with the sheep?

As amusing as all that is, the best part has gotta be the final line of the blurb: "As of Wednesday, there had been no bids." Quite a shocker, I know! Maybe if the village throws in a free block of cornbread or a wedge of potato with every winning bid, they might get a few bites!